The contest for Apology of the Year is over. The rest of you can go home.
Actor Chris Pratt (of Guardians of the Galaxy, Jurassic World, and some TV show I’ve never seen) recently issued the following “pre-apology” on his Facebook page for whatever transgressions he may commit during the press junket for his upcoming film about runaway dinosaurs:
I want to make a heartfelt apology for whatever it is I end up accidentally saying during the forthcoming #JurassicWorld press tour. I hope you understand it was never my intention to offend anyone and I am truly sorry. I swear. I’m the nicest guy in the world. And I fully regret what I (accidentally will have) said in (the upcoming foreign and domestic) interview(s).
I am not in the business of making excuses. I am just dumb. Plain and simple. I try. I REALLY try! When I do (potentially) commit the offensive act for which I am now (pre) apologizing you must understand I (will likely have been) tired and exhausted when I (potentially) said that thing I (will have had) said that (will have had) crossed the line. Those rooms can get stuffy and the hardworking crews putting these junkets together need some entertainment! (Likely) that is who I was trying to crack up when I (will have had) made that tasteless and unprofessional comment. Trust me. I know you can’t say that anymore. In fact in my opinion it was never right to say the thing I definitely don’t want to but probably will have said. To those I (will have) offended please understand how truly sorry I already am. I am fully aware that the subject matter of my imminent forthcoming mistake, a blunder (possibly to be) dubbed “JurassicGate” is (most likely) in no way a laughing matter. To those I (will likely have had) offended rest assured I will do everything in my power to make sure this doesn’t happen (again).
This is genius. Mr. Pratt perfectly encapsulates and lampoons captures the absurdity of contemporary hypersensitive outrage culture and the inevitable apology demands and “heartfelt” apologies rendered in a way your Apologist cannot, simply by virtue of me not being a celebrity. I may as well go home too.
Well done, sir. Well done.