Loathsome dog-killing thug and Atlanta Falcons ex-quarterback Michael Vick today entered his guilty plea in federal court to a conspiracy charge related to a federal dogfighting investigation, as expected. USA Today has audio and provides a rough transcript. Let's break it down like ... oh, I don't know ... Vick's NFL career:

For most of my life, I've been a football player, not a public speaker, so I really don't know how to say what I really want to say. ... I'll take this opportunity just to speak from the heart.

Tell it, Michael!

First I want to apologize for all the things that I've done and that I've allowed to happen.

Now that's a good blanket apology. Cover all your bases up front.

I want to personally apologize to commissioner Goodell, Arthur Blank, coach Bobby Petrino and my Atlanta Falcons teammates for our previous discussions that we had. I was not honest and forthright in our discussions. I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself to say the least.

Translation: I lied. I lied like a dead dog in a ditch. A dead dog I probably put there. Clearly he owes these particular people apologies. He has damaged the reputation of the NFL and the Falcons organization. He has cost team owner Arthur Blank a lot of money. He has let down his teammates. So, yes, they all deserve a contrite shout-out.

I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts.

Good. Kids do tend to look up to sports stars and Vick has not set the best example, has he.

What I did was very immature, so that means I need to grow up.

Well, his logic is flawless.

I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to bettering Michael Vick the person, not the football player.

That's nice. You should get plenty of time to reflect on your shortcoming while you are IN PRISON.

I take full responsibility for my actions. Not for one second will I sit right here and point the finger and try to blame anybody else for my actions or what I've done. I'm totally responsible, and those things just didn't have to happen.

Yes, considering that all your thug buddies rolled over on you and sang to the Feds like a choir of canaries, it is probably best to accept responsibility. Which is kind of what a guilty plea is all about.

I feel like we all make mistakes. I made a mistake in using bad judgment and making bad decisions. Those things just can't happen.

He's right. We all make mistakes. I make mistakes. My mistakes don't involve financing an illegal dog fighting operation and cruelly executing innocent canines that don't fight well enough and thereby flushing a $150 million career down the toilet, but we all make mistakes.

Incidentally, while this isn't quite the passive immaculate "mistakes were made" tense, it comes close ... trying to wrap the apologizer's misdeeds up in the truism that nobody is perfect. I'm not just busting on Vick here. It is VERY hard for anyone to just straight up apologize and take full responsibility. The vast majority of apologies contain at least some element of excuse, mitigating circumstances, evasion or "other people do bad things to."

Dogfighting is a terrible thing and I do reject it. ...

"Dogfighting is a terrible thing." This is just priceless. This should be printed on T-shirts. Or Ron Mexico jerseys.

Through this situation I found Jesus and asked him for forgiveness and turned my life over to God. I think that's the right thing to do as of right now.

A lot of people do seem to find Jesus behind bars. (Including Paris Hilton!). It is easy to view these jail house conversions with skepticism. On the other hand, people behind bars are highly motivated to take a long hard look at their lives and how they got to be where they are ... which is the right mindset for finding Jesus. If Vick is sincere and truly contrite, good for him.

Like I said, through this entire situation I never pointed the finger at anybody else. I accepted responsibility for my actions and what I did. And now I have to pay the consequences for it. But in a sense, I think it will help me as a person. I got a lot to think about over the next year or so.

In prison.

I offer my deepest apologies to everybody out there in the world who was affected by this whole situation.

In case he missed anyone earlier.

If I'm more disappointed with myself than anything, it's because all the young people, young kids that I've let down, who look at Michael Vick as a role model. So I have to go through this, and put myself in this situation. I hope every young kid out there in the world watching this interview who's been following this case will use me as an example for using better judgment and making better decisions.

I can't quarrel with this. Remember, kids, dogfighting is a terrible thing.

Once again, I offer my deepest apologies to everyone.

I will redeem myself. I have to. I've got a lot of downtime, a lot of time to think about my actions and what I've done

In prison.

and how to make Michael Vick a better person. Thank you. (USA Today)

Hopefully young Mr. Vick has learned a valuable lesson. We shall see.